Dear Olivia,

Usually when I write birthday letters to you I like to start by asking where the time has gone since I wrote the previous one. I search my notes and hazy memories to recall as many notable moments, quotes, highs and lows of the past 365 days in your life as I can. I marvel at how much you've grown and experienced while simultaneously becoming depressingly aware of how much older I've gotten and how little I've accomplished in my own life in the same amount of time. Yet with everything that has gone down in 2020, especially quarantining because of COVID-19, time has been distorted to varying degrees and I'm having an even harder time remembering what has happened. It feels like the days have passed by in minutes and that we've only spent a few months practicing social distancing, when in actuality it has been almost a year since this all started. At this point I'm about to start getting tattoos of the important details that have happened just so I can remember them, like in that one movie whose title I can't quite place...

2020 started off with plenty of good intentions. You had resolved to try and work on being better around Mommy when it was just the two of you together, along with not being so mad when you had to do your homework. We had enrolled you in the drama program at your school and, although you had plenty of hesitations and stage fright when doing even minimal amounts of performing for others in small settings, you were excited to be participating in the monster themed musical. Everything seemed to be going hunky dory until mid-March, when we had to make the decision to pull you from school because the coronavirus was rapidly spreading across the world. Luckily your Mom and I both have jobs that allow us to work from home, so we came together to figure out lesson plans to continue your education while the NY DOE, and really the rest of the world, tried to figure out how to move all classes online until we learned more about this virus. It was a time of great uncertainty in which grocery store shelves were bare and toiler paper was one of the most valuable things you could find, the effectiveness of social distancing and the wearing of face masks became (and sadly, still are) politically motivated topics of debate and a miniseries about one man's love for raising tigers in captivity made us scratch our heads and wonder, "Why am I still watching this?"

Reading Peanuts comics while posing like Snoopy. Naturally.

At first we were told that the quarantine wouldn't last that long, but eventually we settled in for the long haul with seemingly no end in sight. The last quarter of 3rd grade was filled with frustrations as the teachers scrambled and worked hard to put together online coursework, as well as figure out how to stay in touch with their students. Unfortunately you got minimal interaction and instruction from your them, which meant we had to pick up the lion's share of the work. It started with us showing you how to even use most of the programs needed to log in to your class and do your work, followed by things like teaching you how write a paper, remembering your times tables and tricking a supercomputer into playing Tic-Tac-Toe against itself to avoid a nuclear disaster.

Thankfully by the time 4th grade began, the public school system had a much better plan in place for online learning. Sure, it's not perfect, but you've gone from video chatting with your teachers once a week (and really just for mental health check-ins) to full blown, online lessons where the teachers are interacting with you, keeping you engaged and making you feel like you're part of an actual class. You truly enjoy being a student and like your teachers, which is a big help when it comes to getting the work done. I'm proud of the fact that you're unafraid to ask for their help when you need it, even going so far as to stay online for the extra help sessions they offer. However that doesn't mean that frustration and distractions aren't present in your current learning environment.

In 3rd grade your teachers told us you got easily distracted and would make little figures and finger puppets out of paper or anything else you could find. Now with remote learning in 4th grade we're up against even bigger challenges, like the fact that the entirety of your toy collection is just feet away, begging you to stop what you're doing and play. Even worse, your expanding knowledge of what the internet can do and the Youtube rabbit holes that you can get lost in when you should be paying attention in class. Sure, there are times when your classwork calls for you to view a video of something relevant to your lesson. But then those links on the right, which are related more to the searching you've done after school hours, catch your eye. We recently had an issue where I was checking your work during school hours and I noticed a video link open that was definitely not related to your lessons. Later when you left the room I decided to check your search history and it turned out that the one Youtube link you claimed you'd "accidentally" clicked on was actually one of FIFTY that were viewed over the course of the school day. I guess when given the choice between listening to a teacher drone on about division or learning about cool Animal Crossing clothing designs, I'd probably choose the latter as well.

Where the learning, creativity and “sometimes” distraction happens.

Speaking of video games, we've found a number of things to bring us joy and pass the time while we've been in quarantine. In the beginning it was watching the Lunch Doodle videos from Mo Willems, who reminded us that it was ok to be afraid of what was going on and that things would get better eventually. We'd wait in anticipation for John Krazinski to release another of his 'Some Good News' videos, which reminded us of how much good there was in the world in the midst of all the bad that the pandemic had brought. We've been watching plenty of movies and binging seasons of shows like Master Chef Junior, Supergirl and Avatar the Last Airbender. Your enthusiasm for reading finally took an upswing when your school introduced the Epic! app, which gave you access to hundreds of books and graphic novels and became the first thing you wanted to do every morning. You also began having daily Facetime chats with a friend, in which you both play, sing, draw and imagine together. I know it's not always easy just having your Mom and I to talk and interact with every day, and I'm so grateful that you've made that connection and technology can make that friendship grow stronger. For as much as I've tried to not have screens be a big part of your life so far, I can't discredit how important they have become in keeping you in touch with friends, family, classmates and the world in general.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been all sunshine and fucking brownies every day around here either. Learning in this environment has been challenging not only for you but for us as well. As you know we're not teachers, nor did we have things like common core math when we were in school, so there's only so much we can do to help you with your homework before frustration sets in for all of us. My job has been busy since this all started, so while I am very grateful to have kept it all this time I've also been incredibly stressed and haven't given you as much of my attention as I wish I could. Your Mom got tired of hearing the multitude of phone calls and meetings that I need to attend, so she moved her desk into our bedroom to get some peace and quiet. We all go through phases of bickering with each other and wanting to have our old lives back, only to sadly remember that this isn't ending any time soon and we're stuck in our two-bedroom apartment together with very few places to get some space and time apart. Hopefully once all this is over we'll all want to live together still, but I wouldn't blame you if you decided to start a new life as a toy designer and get a swanky Soho apartment filled with pinball machines, a trampoline and a bunk bed in case you want a friend to have a sleepover.

I have to admit, the monotony of life right now can feel overwhelming at times. There are days when we're out for our morning walk, in which we take one of the two same routes every time, that I'm waiting for someone to run up to me shouting, "Phil? Phil Connors? I thought that was you!" I miss some aspects of life before all this went down (the food in my work neighborhood, interacting with other people, going out on a date with your Mom), but then I remember that there's plenty of things I don't miss about it (the high prices of living and working in NYC, commuting on the subway, interacting with other people). As hard as some of this has been I am so grateful to have all this extra time with you because, let's face it, we'll never see each other this much once life goes back to the new normal. I've gotten so much joy seeing your creativity and imagination continue to bloom, sharing little moments during the day to make jokes or even just popping into your room while you're on a video chat just to say hi or give you a hug. Life with you has been such a gift and I hope I've done enough to let you know that. I know that I don't always show it, especially when I remind you every day to clean your room, clean up after yourself or pick up the dirty socks that you seem to leave out every day just to defy me, but I can't imagine my world without you in it. Happy (belated) birthday, baby girl. I love you.

Daddy